in case I don’t see you again

He didn’t like cigarette smoke.

I don’t know if anything like this has ever happened to you, but when you’re so emotionally unavailable, like I currently am, you can kinda enjoy it. I think I’ve learned how to.

So this Summer has been the best ever for me. A couple of weeks ago, I was in Malta (gorgeous island in the middle of the Mediterranean, that I had no idea of its existence) visiting my best friend and surprising her for her graduation trip. Now, let us not pretend that we don’t do this, lets make it easier and accept that we Facebook-stalk people. Let’s be real, that’s what its for. So of course, I had this guy checked out before we even got on the plane. He wasn’t overly handsome or overwhelmingly charismatic, honestly he was just there for most of the trip.

Anyway, he came off as deep, you know, the musical type. Has everything to say about something but will remain silent for others. I don’t know. That’s the one I secretly liked. Life. But of course, he wasn’t interested in me like that. Life, over kill. But that was fine with me because what I witnessed for the next couple of days was surprisingly entertaining. You have to understand that I really don’t give a fuck about most things that happen to me.

This guy chooses to express an interest in my best friend’s cousin. The girl that has a boyfriend overseas. The girl that won’t cheat on him for anything on this world. That’s the one he wants. Imagine that, life for him works surprisingly like mine. It was hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, he would’ve done anything and anyone who would’ve let him, but he was after this girl because the girl wanted him that way. Which is kinda cruel. But hey, that’s on her.

At the beginning, I kept thinking that he was weighing his options, he would flirt, he winked at me, it was all good fun. But he kept going back to her. He didn’t like people smoking, which was fine, good for him but I was on vacation, I wasn’t gonna defend my position. Yeah, I smoke occasionally, so what. I think that kinda turned him off but then the cousin smoked. He didn’t get it.

Life is supposed to be a joke.

Just laugh. Otherwise it’s laughing at you. The next thing that happened was even weirder. Most of the things that would come out of his mouth, I would agree with but I wouldn’t say so. I’m almost certain he would’ve started liking me more if I said what I really thought. I just didn’t feel like it. You know? I just sat there, understanding him from a far. I just looked. I felt like I had front row seats at how love works. If I wasn’t so chill about this, I would actually be thinking I let my soulmate go. That’s how much we thought a like. Scary alike. Even my friend knows it. And I’m not even sad about it. I’m almost sure I let an “opportunity” pass, but I strongly believe that if it’s bound to happen, it will. I have to.

that’s not the girl I want to see you with

Before I start ranting off, I have to clarify that the guy we’re talking about is actually my cousin and it’s not like that.

Now that that has been discussed, my cousin is dating the worst possible girl alive in this Earth. Okay, its not like I’m overreacting or anything, like I would love to see him with someone nice and adorable. But this girl is like me.

She’s even worse than me. And that’s saying a LOT. This girl just gives a vibe that’s incredibly off-putting. I don’t even know how to explain it. The first time I met her, I was in the back seat of the car and she was riding shot gun, my cousin had just picked me off because I was spending the weekend at my aunt’s. Now, keep in mind that I do not know this girl. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her. Do you wanna know what her opening argument was? She couldn’t shut up about how hot she was. I’m not kidding. She even pulled out her phone so I could see her selfies on Instagram. What. The. Actual. Hell.

If that wasn’t awkward enough, the girl followed up with a count of how many guys she had fucked. Like, excuse me? Now that I know that important fact of your life, I definitely want you to hook up with one of my family members. You go right ahead. I’m not judging her by the fact that she’s slept with a lot of guys, thats fine, but I’m not your friend. I’m quite literally a stranger. What the hell are you even thinking. I shouldn’t even be considered a “stranger” I’m her boyfriend’s (yes, they’re labelling) cousin. Am I wrong to think that someone in her shoes would be trying to play nice? At least trying?

He had told me that she was like his best friend, that they weren’t labelling (see how quickly that didn’t work out), and that they were gonna call it off as soon as Fall started. From the beginning I knew that this whole “agreement” (his word, not mine) was doomed. If I have learned ANYTHING from this life so far, is to never ever get romantically involved with your friends, if you’re not sure. You’re probably gonna cause more havoc than anything else. This ‘winging it’ thing that he seems to be doing, is bound to end. Honestly, he’s just thinking with his dick.

Anyway, after that first encounter, I knew right away I didn’t want anything to do with her. And my cousin knows it. I don’t like her for him. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I know its not my place and I’ve expressed how I feel about it, so there’s really nothing more to it. I just have this horrible feeling that she’s gonna destroy everything in her path, including my cousin. I don’t want to trash talk about her in the entirety of this post. So I’ll leave at that.

all is good with the world

I haven’t posted in forever and I might be a little rusty but I owe you guys some serious catching up.

Don’t get too excited though, 2015 has not been a good year for me, romantically. Seriously, it has been like a fucking drought around here. In all other aspects, its been ridiculously great. As soon as Summer started, I took some classes, travelled, exercised and enjoyed. Seriously, this has to be my most productive year – ever. If I have to stop and think about it, its because I don’t have anything or anyone else to worry about. I’ve got school, my health and plans and that’s about it.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more free in my entire life. 

Now, right about here is where my inner pessimist starts to pop up. Don’t get me wrong, it has been a really long time since I stopped and looked around and felt great. But that means some serious shit is about to go down. I don’t really see it as something to be depressed over though, its a challenge.

And I know for sure I can tackle this bitch.

Okay, so now that I’ve updated you a little, and I don’t really have any stories of my own to come clean, how about I tell you about the stories I’ve witnessed?

xx

hurt him, so he can’t forget you

Basically, ‘the love of my life’ texted me last week.

He’s done this several times now, just randomly pops up and starts a conversation as if its something we would do on a normal basis. I still don’t know why he keeps doing it because he knows that I don’t want anything to do with him. Which sounds weird. If its the love of my life, how come I’m not beyond excited that he wants to hear from me?

Things got pretty heavy, pretty quickly. I was pissed that he texted me in the first place. Honestly thinking back on it, I might have overreacted a bit but still I was mad that he had the guts to do it. He claimed he just wanted to be my friend again. That at some point we were and that he didn’t understand why we couldn’t resume that friendship. He said he missed me, that he’d always found me interesting and that he always feels like talking to me. I cried.

The thing is, history is bound to repeat itself. I know for a fact that if I ever let him in again, both of us would go through that stage where we don’t know what to do with ourselves. I’ve never been a fan of labeling relationships [(or lack thereof) which is probably why I end up so confused in the first place] and I know we will always wonder what we are to each other. It’s been 2 years and I still wonder what I meant to him. And I still can’t figure it out.

Of course, while this was going on, I was texting my best friend and telling her all about it. And she said, maybe you should just let it go. Be cool about it and get along with him. You know, I just stare at the text in disbelief and reply: “I don’t want to”. Now, I’m very stubborn and I’m bitter because of the fact that he feels like forgetting all about what happened and pick up where we left off (which would be in the middle of an argument where he claims he has a girlfriend who I didn’t even know existed and implying that the way to get over someone is getting under another. Excuse me?) . Second thing I’m not a fan of: ‘forgive and forget’. I don’t know how people do it but I can’t do it. Specially when said person hasn’t even asked for forgiveness, which honestly I don’t think he has to, I’m not really sure who’s to blame really. When you’re mad, your nastiest yet truthful thoughts come to light. And once they’re out, you can’t take them back. Every time I get a notification with his name on it, it reminds me of everything. At once. A rush. And I don’t know how to feel. Sad. Unfortunate. Mad. Miserable. Angry. Heartbroken. Hurt. It just hurts.

I know the last thing I want to be is be friendly to him. What do I gain with that? There’s no point. Like I said, we’re bound to go back in time. And who the hell wants to do that? We’re all just trying to move on. We’re somebody’s lump in their throats. The only one that would get hurt is me. Again. So he texts, “I don’t see why it’s so impossible to be friends” and I say, “because I liked you too”. The fact that it still hurts after two years, is why I’m so mad at him and why I can’t seem to move on. Is it the same for him?

you’d loose your mind trying to understand mine

So, the thing is, I met this boy in one of my classes for this semester. He’s really cute and seems like he’s such a nice person. I was trying so hard for him to notice me the first couple of weeks until I was brave enough to talk to him in the lab we have to take for the class. He let me work with him and we walked back together and talked about nonsense really. He really is a nice kid. It should be a sin to be overly nice.

I finally got the courage to sit next to him in the lectures and he always says hi to me when I run into him. He also lives in my building and apparently has the same eating habits of getting food at 1am. Being myself, I developed a crush for this guy in less than a month. So, I’ve been sitting next to him long enough to know his name. Of course, I had to Facebook-stalk him.

He has a girlfriend.

And he looks so goddamn happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen a human being in my entire life. He has this grin on all of the pictures he’s in with his girlfriend that almost resembles that of a puppy. Which is depressing and refreshing at the same time. Of course, the guy that I found cute and nice has a girlfriend. Because honestly if he didn’t, there’d be something horrible with this universe.
I feel like such a moron though, I added him on Facebook since it really doesn’t matter. And feeling brave I asked him some things for our class and of course, he would say the nicest thing as a reply.

I want to say it isn’t fair but really. It feels like it is.

comeback

I hope you can imagine me laughing my ass off. Because that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.. I can’t believe it’s already Summer and I have not written anything since Spring Break.

I honestly thought it was going to be more exciting to be back home and see my friends. But the truth is, it feels like nobody did anything. And I just came back and started where we left off. I’m not good at keeping up with friends, so that explains why I feel like an outsider. But to be truthful, I’ve always felt like an intruder, even with my so-called friends. Also, most of my friends are studying in the US too, so either they’re ridiculously good at keeping up or we’re all just pretending that we just graduated from high school and we’re still as close as we used to be. Either way, I haven’t been out much and I’m just keeping to myself really.

I’ve been to the movie theatre a LOT. We literally pay $6 for a movie ticket and on Wednesdays, it’s half the price. It’s ridiculously cheap compared to the US! I went to see Godzilla, it was okay. X-Men Days of Future Past, I hated. Maleficent, I loved. And The Fault in Our Stars, I cried.

As you can see very well, my social life and love life aren’t really in their highest points.

I died my hair and I honestly don’t know why I’m writing about this but somehow it ended up being kinda red when I told the nice lady I wanted it a caramel-brown color. I don’t really hate it but I don’t love it either. I don’t really mind it. I cut my ends as well because they were chaos. I’m trying to grow my hair out again and it’s not taking long now.

I started working today, which was amazing. At least I get to do stuff during the days. I’m working at the same place I did last Summer, so I know everyone and they really like me. They made me do inventory which sucks but I did it anyway and I feel accomplished. I’m excited to go back tomorrow.

I guess I just told you a bunch of random information but I intend on keeping up with my ‘midnight rants’ and hopefully you guys come back and read them.

Keep in touch,

x

 

spring break

Ah, spring. Everything blooms during spring, right?

Take a wild guess at what this post is about.

Yup.

You guessed it.

Okay. First off, no, I didn’t do it with some random guy in the middle of Panama City Beach, FL.

And second, be happy for me! I did something just because and it turned out great!

Saturday the 15th, me and my friends took a shuttle to DC to take a flight to Tallahassee. Then we took a coach to Panama City and finally a cab to the apartment. Incredibly enough, everything went well and we didn’t miss any buses or flights. When we got there, we met my friend’s friends that were also staying with us. At first, none of them struck me as good looking. Except one, that was okay looking but he had so much confidence, it overshadowed everything else.

He first started flirting with one of my friends, but she has a boyfriend and she would never do anything with someone else.

But then he started to flirt with me. Yeah, I was the second option. But I put him through hell. I told him I wasn’t going to be his “second plate”, but then one night, very drunkly I decided I might as well be a second plate. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong and I felt good with my decision. Yes, we were safe and whatnot. It was fun. It was the first time I quite literally “let go” in a really long time.

The only thing that bothered me was that he treated me like his girlfriend for the rest of the trip. I know, you’re probably thinking that’s a good thing, but I knew too well that I wasn’t going to see him ever again, so why be so nice. I’d get it if he just treated me normally but he literally introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend. And I didn’t know where to hide. I didn’t ask him, I just stood there. Obviously being called his girlfriend was something I didn’t want. But he kept calling me that and his “girl”, and we would make out in front of his friends. I guess any other girl would be thrilled but I was too confused.

Now that I think back on it, I’m still confused. Totally unnecessary. And I think it’s because of that, that I feel so miserable now. I wake up even more depressed everyday and I don’t know how to move on from someone that I never even dated. So weird. He was the first guy to ever treat me like I was his. Because simply put, I was. For the three remaining days that we had left. Goodbyes were okay, you know you can never be good at goodbyes. He hugged me and I got in the car.

So, now I’m depressed because nobody is calling me his girl. But it’s okay. The day I go back home for Summer is getting closer and closer and I think that keeps me going. I’ve been doing homework like crazy just so I don’t have to be left alone with my thoughts. Distractions are always good.

And that was what he was. A gorgeous distraction from the ghosts of my past and now I have to move on from it.

And I feel totally fine with that.

hello lovelies

Well, hi there.

It’s been almost a month since I last wrote something. I knew this blog thing wasn’t going to work out correctly… Either way this month has been crazy. Yes, I had some happy little moments but now I’m little bit sad that it’s over. Like it always is.

It’s not a bad sad although sometimes I feel depressed. Check out my post to further understand this.

In this last month I had Spring Break, which is where all the fun begins… and therefore stops.

I’m honestly trying to rethink everything big that happened but that’s all I can think of, and all I want to write about.

Keep in touch

x

it’s late and I’m sad

I just wanted to write a quick post non-relevant to my misfortunes. I feel a little bit overwhelmed because I actually have a couple of followers and a couple of likes. And everything in a matter of days. Thanks for liking these, let alone reading them. You have no idea how it feels to write something personal and have people feel related to it.

Just writing and thinking about these several posts that I’ve written so far, make my heart ache a bit, and it’s fine. It really is. I’m a strong believer that those who forget about it are condemned to repeat it.

I’ve had 2 days off from college because of the snow and my professors just being lazy, but I got to do some homework and get ahead. It feels good to do stuff, as weird as that sounds. It’s been a very productive day and I feel drained.

I’m going to New York for the weekend with a couple of friends and I’m really excited. I’ll take a bunch of pictures and post them here and hopefully you like those too.

Thanks again and keep reading.

x

I don’t need flowers to remind me of the fact that you love me not

Is it really that bad that a girl hates commitment? I mean, sure, it’s unusual but the thing with me is that I don’t even hook up with anyone because “I don’t know him well enough” and as soon as I get to know someone better, I run away. Simply because it freaks me out.

This eternal fear is what really makes me worry. What if I never stop fearing? How do you stop fearing? Unfortunately, I still don’t have the answers for my own questions. During these couple of days I’ve been out of it; writing about my past has made me feel a little bit weird (more than usual) and for some reason, I started thinking about this: how am I ever going to care about someone again?

I keep thinking that with time, it’ll get better. But all these misfortunes that I call my love life have already taken place a long time ago. The latest one being my best friend and that happened 2 years ago. What? Where does time go? I feel like it was only yesterday. I feel like I’m still carrying this burden with me. And as hard as I try to let it fucking go, it’s like I can’t. It’s a part of me.

I come off as a cold hearted bitch sometimes and there’s nobody to blame. I know this, I keep repeating this. It makes me sad and honestly, a little bit depressed that that’s the way I see myself. I know what I did and do and keep doing. So how do I fix me?

It’s like I carry this old pain as a reminder. A pain that doesn’t really affect me that much but still has the strength to remind me that I got hurt by saying this and doing that. It feels like if I don’t want to repeat yesterday’s mistakes, I can’t do anything. And the most interesting thing is that I don’t really want to. I don’t want to try and get to know someone better and I don’t want to encourage someone and keep him interested.

Forgive me if it looks like I can’t make up my mind, it’s just that I don’t want to. I’m in an inbetween state. I don’t need to go through this same pain with someone new. I don’t need this burden to remind me that I wasn’t what you wanted.