I haven’t talked (or wrote) about this in forever… For a long time I thought that if I kept it in, it couldn’t possibly get any worse. But of course it did because if it didn’t, there’d be something wrong with how life works and whatnot.
The day before my 18th birthday I had some friends over, one of which I kind of liked. But you know, or at least you get the feeling, that I never act on it. If I’m remotely interested in someone, I literally run in the opposite direction. It’s that bad. Anyway, when everybody went to sleep, me and this guy did a couple of shots and thanks to the alcohol, I opened up a bit. We talked about ourselves and it was… nice. For some convenient reason, there was a Cosmopolitan lying around and we started reading it and comparing our war (love) stories, keep in mind that I was still a virgin and honestly, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. We finally get to the raunchy part of the magazine and I don’t know what it was but the mix between the comfortableness, the alcohol and the fact that I was turning 18 the next day, got me thinking, why not lose my virginity to this guy…
Firstly, I’ve never believed in waiting until marriage to have sex, partly because I don’t believe in any God, but that’s a whole different topic… I think if that person matters enough to you, then it’s fine because you get to remember that experience as a positive one, a time in which you cared. As long as when you get asked who you lost it to, you aren’t bitter about it.
Secondly, I don’t think it should be called “losing” our virginity. It’s not like we lose something and we definitely don’t gain anything either. Except maybe what to expect for next time and maybe you’re a little bit more comfortable with the whole deal. Because the closest time I’ve ever been to this, I was freaking the fuck out. Excuse my french. I was so so nervous and I’m naturally awkward so yeah. That was that.
Thirdly, I completely hate the fact that for girls is such a big deal and we applaud boys when they get laid. Meanwhile if a girl sleeps around, she’s a whore. She’s not worth it. Why do we have to wait until marriage but boys don’t? Girls are raised to be careful to who the lose it to or when they lose it or where they lose it. After all we’re the ones who are risking e v e r y t h i n g. From exposing ourselves (when we’re not confident about ourselves to begin with), getting pregnant, all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases and on top of all to get instantly judged if we did lose it and worst of all we also get judged if we don’t lose it.
The thing is; I didn’t “lose it” to him. I tried. Which sounds weird, I know. In my mind, I wanted to lose it just because that would mean I’d get it done with. Isn’t that crazy? Thank the skies I didn’t do it and I bailed, which sounds awful, but what he did next was even worse. He told me right away not to tell anyone anything. That whatever had happened, hadn’t. At first I was like “great, I don’t have to worry about being judged” but then I realized that he totally used me. We didn’t go all the way but he had me promise that if we did, we weren’t supposed to say anything. He wanted to keep me in the dark. And then I got pissed. Really pissed. But what do you do then? There’s nothing I could’ve done. I couldn’t take it back.
So I did tell a couple of my friends because I trusted them enough not to tell, but of course they did tell and word got back to him and he actually called me, after not talking for months, to basically ask me why the hell was I saying things I wasn’t supposed to. At the time I didn’t realize that maybe he didn’t want to be judged either but I didn’t apologize, I was brave enough to admit it, why couldn’t he? After all we didn’t do it. I didn’t see the big deal with just accepting that.
Interestingly enough, the girl who ratted me out is now his current girlfriend and she didn’t believe me when I told her exactly what had happened that memorable day before my birthday (because to this day, he still won’t admit it). Which sucks because he’s such an asshole and she simply doesn’t want to see it for herself. But then again, it’s her problem and it’s definitely not mine. Thank God.
I’m not ashamed of it even though he still denies it for some unknown reason. I feel sad for him, I really do. I argue though, that you don’t have to love someone to lose your virginity to, the catch is: it’s more “acceptable” because our society makes up the rules and sees what it wants to see, but then what happens to the poor souls like my own? The truth is that we get trapped in an eternal limbo. Because once we’re broken, it takes forever to fix ourselves up. That’s the best part; nobody can fix you except for yourself.