hurt him, so he can’t forget you

Basically, ‘the love of my life’ texted me last week.

He’s done this several times now, just randomly pops up and starts a conversation as if its something we would do on a normal basis. I still don’t know why he keeps doing it because he knows that I don’t want anything to do with him. Which sounds weird. If its the love of my life, how come I’m not beyond excited that he wants to hear from me?

Things got pretty heavy, pretty quickly. I was pissed that he texted me in the first place. Honestly thinking back on it, I might have overreacted a bit but still I was mad that he had the guts to do it. He claimed he just wanted to be my friend again. That at some point we were and that he didn’t understand why we couldn’t resume that friendship. He said he missed me, that he’d always found me interesting and that he always feels like talking to me. I cried.

The thing is, history is bound to repeat itself. I know for a fact that if I ever let him in again, both of us would go through that stage where we don’t know what to do with ourselves. I’ve never been a fan of labeling relationships [(or lack thereof) which is probably why I end up so confused in the first place] and I know we will always wonder what we are to each other. It’s been 2 years and I still wonder what I meant to him. And I still can’t figure it out.

Of course, while this was going on, I was texting my best friend and telling her all about it. And she said, maybe you should just let it go. Be cool about it and get along with him. You know, I just stare at the text in disbelief and reply: “I don’t want to”. Now, I’m very stubborn and I’m bitter because of the fact that he feels like forgetting all about what happened and pick up where we left off (which would be in the middle of an argument where he claims he has a girlfriend who I didn’t even know existed and implying that the way to get over someone is getting under another. Excuse me?) . Second thing I’m not a fan of: ‘forgive and forget’. I don’t know how people do it but I can’t do it. Specially when said person hasn’t even asked for forgiveness, which honestly I don’t think he has to, I’m not really sure who’s to blame really. When you’re mad, your nastiest yet truthful thoughts come to light. And once they’re out, you can’t take them back. Every time I get a notification with his name on it, it reminds me of everything. At once. A rush. And I don’t know how to feel. Sad. Unfortunate. Mad. Miserable. Angry. Heartbroken. Hurt. It just hurts.

I know the last thing I want to be is be friendly to him. What do I gain with that? There’s no point. Like I said, we’re bound to go back in time. And who the hell wants to do that? We’re all just trying to move on. We’re somebody’s lump in their throats. The only one that would get hurt is me. Again. So he texts, “I don’t see why it’s so impossible to be friends” and I say, “because I liked you too”. The fact that it still hurts after two years, is why I’m so mad at him and why I can’t seem to move on. Is it the same for him?

you’d loose your mind trying to understand mine

So, I guess my ‘comeback’ wasn’t really a comeback at all.
I’ve been good, for those wondering where I am and how I’m doing.

The thing is, I met this boy in one of my classes for this semester. He’s really cute and seems like he’s such a nice person. I was trying so hard for him to notice me the first couple of weeks until I was brave enough to talk to him in the lab we have to take for the class. He let me work with him and we walked back together and talked about nonsense really. He really is a nice kid. It should be a sin to be overly nice.

I finally got the courage to sit next to him in the lectures and he always says hi to me when I run into him. He also lives in my building and apparently has the same eating habits of getting food at 1am. Being myself, I developed a crush for this guy in less than a month. So, I’ve been sitting next to him long enough to know his name. Of course, I had to Facebook-stalk him.

He has a girlfriend.

And he looks so goddamn happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen a human being in my entire life. He has this grin on all of the pictures he’s in with his girlfriend that almost resembles that of a puppy. Which is depressing and refreshing at the same time. Of course, the guy that I found cute and nice has a girlfriend. Because honestly if he didn’t, there’d be something horrible with this universe.
I feel like such a moron though, I added him on Facebook since it really doesn’t matter. And feeling brave I asked him some things for our class and of course, he would say the nicest thing as a reply.

I want to say it isn’t fair but really. It feels like it is.

comeback

I hope you can imagine me laughing my ass off. Because that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.. I can’t believe it’s already Summer and I have not written anything since Spring Break.

I honestly thought it was going to be more exciting to be back home and see my friends. But the truth is, it feels like nobody did anything. And I just came back and started where we left off. I’m not good at keeping up with friends, so that explains why I feel like an outsider. But to be truthful, I’ve always felt like an intruder, even with my so-called friends. Also, most of my friends are studying in the US too, so either they’re ridiculously good at keeping up or we’re all just pretending that we just graduated from high school and we’re still as close as we used to be. Either way, I haven’t been out much and I’m just keeping to myself really.

I’ve been to the movie theatre a LOT. We literally pay $6 for a movie ticket and on Wednesdays, it’s half the price. It’s ridiculously cheap compared to the US! I went to see Godzilla, it was okay. X-Men Days of Future Past, I hated. Maleficent, I loved. And The Fault in Our Stars, I cried.

As you can see very well, my social life and love life aren’t really in their highest points.

I died my hair and I honestly don’t know why I’m writing about this but somehow it ended up being kinda red when I told the nice lady I wanted it a caramel-brown color. I don’t really hate it but I don’t love it either. I don’t really mind it. I cut my ends as well because they were chaos. I’m trying to grow my hair out again and it’s not taking long now.

I started working today, which was amazing. At least I get to do stuff during the days. I’m working at the same place I did last Summer, so I know everyone and they really like me. They made me do inventory which sucks but I did it anyway and I feel accomplished. I’m excited to go back tomorrow.

I guess I just told you a bunch of random information but I intend on keeping up with my ‘midnight rants’ and hopefully you guys come back and read them.

Keep in touch,

x

 

spring break

Ah, spring. Everything blooms during spring, right?

Take a wild guess at what this post is about.

Yup.

You guessed it.

I’m not a virgin anymore!

Okay. First off, no, I didn’t do it with some random guy in the middle of Panama City Beach, FL.

And second, be happy for me! I did something just because and it turned out great! I swear!

Saturday the 15th, me and my friends took a shuttle to DC to take a flight to Tallahassee. Then we took a coach to Panama City and finally a cab to the apartment. Incredibly enough, everything went well and we didn’t miss any buses or flights. When we got there, we met my friend’s friends that were also staying with us. At first, none of them struck me as good looking. Except one, that was okay looking but he had so much confidence, it overshadowed everything else.

He first started flirting with one of my friends, but she has a boyfriend and she would never do anything with someone else.

But then he started to flirt with me. Yeah, I was the second option. But I put him through hell. I told him I wasn’t going to be his “second plate”, but then one night, very drunkly I decided I might as well be a second plate. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong and I felt good with my decision. Yes, we were safe and whatnot. It was fun. (I’m going to insert the nasty little details here, read on if you honestly don’t want to know; it hurt like hell. It’s not even a pain that you can describe. It was so weird. If you’re a virgin and you’re reading this, yes, yes it hurts. I didn’t bleed during but the next day I did and I was kind of freaked out. Especially because I wanted to wear bikinis but it was just when I woke up and then it went away. But regardless, I think it went pretty well)

The only thing that bothered me was that he treated me like his girlfriend for the rest of the trip. I know you’re probably thinking that’s a good thing, but I knew too well that I wasn’t going to see him ever again, so why be so nice. I’d get it if he just treated me normally but he literally introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend. And I didn’t know where to hide. I didn’t ask him, I just stood there. Obviously being called his girlfriend was something I didn’t want. But he kept calling me that and his girl, and we would make out in front of his friends. I guess any other girl would be thrilled but I was too confused.

Now that I think back on it, I’m still confused. Totally unnecessary. And I think it’s because of that, that I feel so miserable now. I wake up even more depressed everyday and I don’t know how to move on from someone that I never even dated. So weird. He was the first guy to ever treat me like I was his. Because simply put, I was. For the three remaining days that we had left. Goodbyes were okay, you know you can never be good at goodbyes. He hugged me and I got in the car.

So, now I’m depressed because nobody is calling me his girl. But it’s okay. The day I go back for Summer is getting closer and closer and I think that keeps me going. I’ve been doing homework like crazy just so I don’t have to be left alone with my thoughts. Distractions are always good.

And that was what he was. A gorgeous distraction from the things of my past and now I have to move on from it.

hello lovelies

Well, hi there.

It’s been almost a month since I last wrote something. I knew this blog thing wasn’t going to work out correctly… Either way this month has been crazy. Yes, I had some happy little moments but now I’m little bit sad that it’s over. Like it always is.

It’s not a bad sad although sometimes I feel depressed. Check out my post to further understand this.

In this last month I had Spring Break, which is where all the fun begins… and therefore stops.

I’m honestly trying to rethink everything big that happened but that’s all I can think of, and all I want to write about.

Keep in touch

x

it’s late and I’m sad

I just wanted to write a quick post non-relevant to my misfortunes. I feel a little bit overwhelmed because I actually have a couple of followers and a couple of likes. And everything in a matter of days. Thanks for liking these, let alone reading them. You have no idea how it feels to write something personal and have people feel related to it.

Just writing and thinking about these several posts that I’ve written so far, make my heart ache a bit, and it’s fine. It really is. I’m a strong believer that those who forget about it are condemned to repeat it.

I’ve had 2 days off from college because of the snow and my professors just being lazy, but I got to do some homework and get ahead. It feels good to do stuff, as weird as that sounds. It’s been a very productive day and I feel drained.

I’m going to New York for the weekend with a couple of friends and I’m really excited. I’ll take a bunch of pictures and post them here and hopefully you like those too.

Thanks again and keep reading.

x

I don’t need flowers to remind me of the fact that you love me not

Is it really that bad that a girl hates commitment? I mean, sure, it’s unusual but the thing with me is that I don’t even hook up with anyone because “I don’t know him well enough” and as soon as I get to know someone better, I run away. Simply because it freaks me out.

This eternal fear is what really makes me worry. What if I never stop fearing? How do you stop fearing? Unfortunately, I still don’t have the answers for my own questions. During these couple of days I’ve been out of it; writing about my past has made me feel a little bit weird (more than usual) and for some reason, I started thinking about this: how am I ever going to care about someone again?

I keep thinking that with time, it’ll get better. But all these misfortunes that I call my love life have already taken place a long time ago. The latest one being my best friend and that happened 2 years ago. What? Where does time go? I feel like it was only yesterday. I feel like I’m still carrying this burden with me. And as hard as I try to let it fucking go, it’s like I can’t. It’s a part of me.

I come off as a cold hearted bitch sometimes and there’s nobody to blame. I know this, I keep repeating this. It makes me sad and honestly, a little bit depressed that that’s the way I see myself. I know what I did and do and keep doing. So how do I fix me?

It’s like I carry this old pain as a reminder. A pain that doesn’t really affect me that much but still has the strength to remind me that I got hurt by saying this and doing that. It feels like if I don’t want to repeat yesterday’s mistakes, I can’t do anything. And the most interesting thing is that I don’t really want to. I don’t want to try and get to know someone better and I don’t want to encourage someone and keep him interested.

Forgive me if it looks like I can’t make up my mind, it’s just that I don’t want to. I’m in an inbetween state. I don’t need to go through this same pain with someone new. I don’t need this burden to remind me that I wasn’t what you wanted.

the kind of boy you fight for

If you think this post might make your day better, don’t get your hopes up. If you have read any of my posts so far; you might have already come to the conclusion that I don’t really have grand love stories to tell. All of them are spectacular failures that make up my thoughts and view on love and it’s ridiculous effect on people.

It’s actually been a long time since the story that I’m about to tell you took place but I figured I might as well write about love in at least one post. Because even though I come off as a very pessimistic person on love, I do believe in love and long-lasting marriages; I just don’t believe people find it so easily and so casually. I also believe it might take me forever to find my other half. And when I say forever, I mean f o r e v e r.

Ah, your first love. The kind you never fall back from, never try to, never want to. A love so big, so strong, it never dies, never fades, never loses it’s electricity. The kind of love you fight for, the kind of boy you fight for. You can thank the movie “Endless Love” with Alex Pettyfer for that quote. And I promise that’s all the cheesy stuff I will ever write.

My first love is a year younger than me and we started talking when I was in 9th grade, so yeah, it’s been a while… He was smart and funny and he liked the same stuff as I did. I remember we used to text, Skype and talk on the phone even though we were in the same school, just classrooms away. I never talked to him face to face on school grounds. I don’t know why but he made me feel ridiculously nervous, I hated running into him, and I actually tried to avoid him. I would text him during classes just so I didn’t have to actually see his face. Me and my awkwardness to a whole other level. I don’t know what it was about him… He had a girlfriend. So I was just “a friend”. We’d tease each other and flirt a little bit but you know, it all started very innocently.

I knew he liked me from the moment he first talked to me. And unfortunately, I was never sure. He eventually let go of his girlfriend and I remember being very supportive. Saying things like “it might be for the best”, and “don’t worry you’ll find someone else”. I like to think that I said those things because I actually was his friend. After all, that was exactly what I was. It took years for things to move on and my senior year, we finally dated. And you know me, I just never knew. I guess at one point, he got tired of me and my indecisiveness. My excuse was that I was going away for college and that it wasn’t going to work, so why even try. He kept on saying how we could make the best of it but I never gave in. So months went by and it finally hit me and I realized how incredibly stupid I was, so I told him. I told him I did want to try but of course it was too late. He didn’t want me saying “no” one last time because I could never make up my mind. I can’t blame him, I know that.

He now has another girlfriend. And of course I was sad. He gave me a taste of my own medicine and goddamnit, it hurt. I can’t even say that my first love was my boyfriend because I never let it go that far. Countless hours on the phone and texting, all for nothing. It’s sad to think about it like this after all this time, but there really isn’t anything else to say. My first love just wasn’t. I didn’t get to experience it. And that’s the saddest part of all.

Today I wonder if he realizes that I cared that much. That I cared enough that it still makes me sad to think about what I did and didn’t say. I’m almost certain I haven’t completely moved on, and I’m hoping that he hasn’t either. I know it’s not fair to think that but maybe just maybe, he cared as much as I did. I was so incredibly scared of getting hurt, that the only one that got screwed was me. And by my own decisions. They were all my call and still, I’m the broken one. 

My first love is the biggest regret of my life.

and if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one

I haven’t talked (or wrote) about this in forever… For a long time I thought that if I kept it in, it couldn’t possibly get any worse. But of course it did because if it didn’t, there’d be something wrong with how life works and whatnot.

The day before my 18th birthday I had some friends over, one of which I kind of liked. But you know, or at least you get the feeling, that I never act on it. If I’m remotely interested in someone, I literally run in the opposite direction. It’s that bad. Anyway, when everybody went to sleep, me and this guy did a couple of shots and thanks to the alcohol, I opened up a bit. We talked about ourselves and it was… nice. For some convenient reason, there was a Cosmopolitan lying around and we started reading it and comparing our war (love) stories, keep in mind that I was still a virgin and honestly, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. We finally get to the raunchy part of the magazine and I don’t know what it was but the mix between the comfortableness, the alcohol and the fact that I was turning 18 the next day, got me thinking, why not lose my virginity to this guy…

Firstly, I’ve never believed in waiting until marriage to have sex, partly because I don’t believe in any God, but that’s a whole different topic… I think if that person matters enough to you, then it’s fine because you get to remember that experience as a positive one, a time in which you cared. As long as when you get asked who you lost it to, you aren’t bitter about it.

Secondly, I don’t think it should be called “losing” our virginity. It’s not like we lose something and we definitely don’t gain anything either. Except maybe what to expect for next time and maybe you’re a little bit more comfortable with the whole deal. Because the closest time I’ve ever been to this, I was freaking the fuck out. Excuse my french. I was so so nervous and I’m naturally awkward so yeah. That was that.

Thirdly, I completely hate the fact that for girls is such a big deal and we applaud boys when they get laid. Meanwhile if a girl sleeps around, she’s a whore. She’s not worth it. Why do we have to wait until marriage but boys don’t? Girls are raised  to be careful to who the lose it to or when they lose it or where they lose it. After all we’re the ones who are risking e v e r y t h i n g. From exposing ourselves (when we’re not confident about ourselves to begin with), getting pregnant, all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases and on top of all to get instantly judged if we did lose it and worst of all we also get judged if we don’t lose it.

The thing is; I didn’t “lose it” to him. I tried. Which sounds weird, I know. In my mind, I wanted to lose it just because that would mean I’d get it done with. Isn’t that crazy? Thank the skies I didn’t do it and I bailed, which sounds awful, but what he did next was even worse. He told me right away not to tell anyone anything. That whatever had happened, hadn’t. At first I was like “great, I don’t have to worry about being judged” but then I realized that he totally used me. We didn’t go all the way but he had me promise that if we did, we weren’t supposed to say anything. He wanted to keep me in the dark. And then I got pissed. Really pissed. But what do you do then? There’s nothing I could’ve done. I couldn’t take it back.

So I did tell a couple of my friends because I trusted them enough not to tell, but of course they did tell and word got back to him and he actually called me, after not talking for months, to basically ask me why the hell was I saying things I wasn’t supposed to. At the time I didn’t realize that maybe he didn’t want to be judged either but I didn’t apologize, I was brave enough to admit it, why couldn’t he? After all we didn’t do it. I didn’t see the big deal with just accepting that.

Interestingly enough, the girl who ratted me out is now his current girlfriend and she didn’t believe me when I told her exactly what had happened that memorable day before my birthday (because to this day, he still won’t admit it). Which sucks because he’s such an asshole and she simply doesn’t want to see it for herself. But then again, it’s her problem and it’s definitely not mine. Thank God.

I’m not ashamed of it even though he still denies it for some unknown reason. I feel sad for him, I really do. I argue though, that you don’t have to love someone to lose your virginity to, the catch is: it’s more “acceptable” because our society makes up the rules and sees what it wants to see, but then what happens to the poor souls like my own? The truth is that we get trapped in an eternal limbo. Because once we’re broken, it takes forever to fix ourselves up. That’s the best part; nobody can fix you except for yourself.

you deserve happiness, so I left

My best friend decided to tell me he loved me senior year of high school, I wasn’t that shocked because people always told me he had a thing for me but either way I knew it had taken all of the courage he had, to finally say it. And the only thing I was sure of was that I didn’t love him back. All my friends told me to go ahead and give him a chance because “you will never know”. And even though I definitely knew, I thought: “well, I might as well try”. So, I did. With all of the good intentions that I could find in my heart, I tried. 

Even though my decision was heavily influenced on what my friends said, I still think that to this day, I made the right decision. The only thing I feel proud of is the fact that I gave him a chance. So, how do you break a heart? You just do. There is no better way, no right time, no right place. It doesn’t matter how long you keep it to yourself, it will slowly start to tear you apart and the only one getting hurt isn’t you.

I’m convinced that when I broke my best friend’s heart, I broke mine as well. 

This is the most recent of my collection of unfortunate events that I call my love life. The only one that has truly changed how I look at things. It changed me just because it gave me a perspective I hadn’t seen before. I got to feel and say the things others had done to me so easily and so many times. How can people do it? I almost kept pretending I was fine because the thought of breaking his heart was overwhelming me. I couldn’t think straight, it was messing me up. And it wasn’t like it was someone who I barely knew, it was my best friend for God’s sake.

I will never be okay with holding emotions in, never have been, never will be. You have to let it out. If you keep them in, they will just accumulate and with time, you will just have a big bunch of random emotions all over the place ready to spill out. And when they do, it’s complete chaos. If you feel anything, let others know. Because you might not be only hurting them, but yourself as well.

It is so hard to find your match in this world. It’s ridiculous to think that there are so many people and we fall for the ones who aren’t worth it. Like they always say, we want what we can’t have. And I’m sure you figured out the same thing as me, as soon as you get it, you don’t want it anymore and you want something else. Because if you do get it, what now? There’s nothing else to hope for. So, why do we keep doing it? How many tries does it take to find our special someone?