Basically, ‘the love of my life’ texted me last week.
He’s done this several times now, just randomly pops up and starts a conversation as if its something we would do on a normal basis. I still don’t know why he keeps doing it because he knows that I don’t want anything to do with him. Which sounds weird. If its the love of my life, how come I’m not beyond excited that he wants to hear from me?
Things got pretty heavy, pretty quickly. I was pissed that he texted me in the first place. Honestly thinking back on it, I might have overreacted a bit but still I was mad that he had the guts to do it. He claimed he just wanted to be my friend again. That at some point we were and that he didn’t understand why we couldn’t resume that friendship. He said he missed me, that he’d always found me interesting and that he always feels like talking to me. I cried.
The thing is, history is bound to repeat itself. I know for a fact that if I ever let him in again, both of us would go through that stage where we don’t know what to do with ourselves. I’ve never been a fan of labeling relationships [(or lack thereof) which is probably why I end up so confused in the first place] and I know we will always wonder what we are to each other. It’s been 2 years and I still wonder what I meant to him. And I still can’t figure it out.
Of course, while this was going on, I was texting my best friend and telling her all about it. And she said, maybe you should just let it go. Be cool about it and get along with him. You know, I just stare at the text in disbelief and reply: “I don’t want to”. Now, I’m very stubborn and I’m bitter because of the fact that he feels like forgetting all about what happened and pick up where we left off (which would be in the middle of an argument where he claims he has a girlfriend who I didn’t even know existed and implying that the way to get over someone is getting under another. Excuse me?) . Second thing I’m not a fan of: ‘forgive and forget’. I don’t know how people do it but I can’t do it. Specially when said person hasn’t even asked for forgiveness, which honestly I don’t think he has to, I’m not really sure who’s to blame really. When you’re mad, your nastiest yet truthful thoughts come to light. And once they’re out, you can’t take them back. Every time I get a notification with his name on it, it reminds me of everything. At once. A rush. And I don’t know how to feel. Sad. Unfortunate. Mad. Miserable. Angry. Heartbroken. Hurt. It just hurts.
I know the last thing I want to be is be friendly to him. What do I gain with that? There’s no point. Like I said, we’re bound to go back in time. And who the hell wants to do that? We’re all just trying to move on. We’re somebody’s lump in their throats. The only one that would get hurt is me. Again. So he texts, “I don’t see why it’s so impossible to be friends” and I say, “because I liked you too”. The fact that it still hurts after two years, is why I’m so mad at him and why I can’t seem to move on. Is it the same for him?